A rewritten poem (this time for my mother)

 

 

I miss this belief:

that a mother’s love is more powerful and more pure

than any offence of the child.

 

I had to change my belief to fit my reality.

 

You still think you are right;

that it is my responsibility to apologize.

You choose not to see

that you are emotionally irresponsible.

I won’t be burdened

by the unpleasantness or discomfort

of your feelings.

I will not

take that up

or enable dependence

because I had to fight through my feelings in seclusion, and you do too.

 

I waited,

and I tolerated

many things I wished to change.

If I looked closely

into my deepest fears

I could hear the whisper,

orphaned’.

 

There is immense joy in freedom

but it means being free from you.

You told me

that you couldn’t handle

my accusations.

Now it’s my turn

to tell you

I’m done enduring

your shallow cordiality.

 

To hold on

through every challenge

makes me persistent.

Long past the time

it would have been

reasonable

for me to say ‘no more’

I continued

to talk to you.

 

My emotions

and my boundaries

have not betrayed me,

but still,

it feels like a betrayal.

For to no longer think

that this is

someone else’s fault

has pierced me.

 

I weep for this.

Deep in this child’s heart

a pain so heavy

that no mothers hand can soothe.

I feel lost.

I know that no person

can replace

a mother.

I would wash away your wrongdoing

but it clings to you.

 

I have some patience

to spend in some places

but I can no longer

be patient for you.

You gave up.

You gave up on me.

I will not attempt

to convince you

that I am worth the fight.

Love doesn’t need convincing.

 

I am freeing myself

from my fear

of losing my mother.

If I face it now,

in every mirror

will be an orphan.

Your pride is a wall around you

that protects you

from my unwanted-truths.

 

 

The truth was not pleasant

But I have accepted it now

and the solutions are few.

I tried the other path

of ‘maybe that’s all you have to give’.

I got tired of that.

 

I am ready

to say goodbye.

Goodbye to my mother.

Goodbye Mom.

Goodbye to the one

who wasn’t a Mom

when I needed her.

I need to be free

more than

I need

my mother.

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