A Poem for December

A Poem for December

 

I miss the idea

of how things could have been.

I wish I could have stayed longer.

 

I had to protect myself.

You do not understand

because

you will not see

that the danger is you.

I need to feel safe.

Anything less

requires an immediate change.

I will not settle

for maybe

or almost

because love needs to be free.

 

I waited

a long time

for the scene to change;

for you to prove

that my deepest fears

were as you said-

-unfounded.

 

There is irony here

but it gives me no relief.

You told me

that I was

ridiculous.

Now our actions

have been laid

on the table.

To defy logic

and reason

is ridiculous.

Long past the time

it would have been

reasonable

for me to have hope

I continued

to wait.

 

My doubts,

my intuition,

have not betrayed me,

but still,

it feels like a betrayal.

For to no longer believe

that you love me

is like choosing to

wound myself.

 

I grieve this.

Deeply in my soul

in every toe and finger

I feel loss.

I ache for what is not.

Tears come

but they do not wash away

the hurt.

 

I have some control

to make choices

but I can no longer

choose you.

You are gone.

Your love is gone.

I will not attempt

to control you.

I am setting you free

because love is free.

 

I am freeing myself

from my fear

of your rejection.

I face it now, daily,

and it does not

empty me of myself.

Your rejection is building up around me

protection from your

double messages and your half-truths.

 

The truth is not pleasant

but it is something solid to stand on

and that is a comfort.

I am not worried about doubts

knocking my feet out from under me.

I got tired of that.

 

I am ready

to say goodbye.

Goodbye over and over

and over again,

until this fear steps back.

Your rejection;

no longer a monster

that I avoid,

but an accepted chapter

in my story.